Randall Wood

Six expensive ways to help your writing.




As a follow-up to the inexpensive post I’ve been thinking about this. If I had a pile of money to throw at self-publishing, what would I spend it on?

Well, here goes:

Number one and the winner by far; a Personal Assistant. Someone to Twitter and Facebook and upload my books to Lightning Source. Someone who can mash all my sales spreadsheets together and make them into something even I can understand. Someone to filter my email so I get just the fan mail, and fetch the snail mail from the PO Box, which since I moved is now on the other side of town. Someone to deny me access to the blogs and other websites that I waste too much time on. Someone to schedule my promos and track their effectiveness. Someone to keep my receipts and tax crap together and yell at my accountant for me. Someone to clean the cheesy-poof dust off my keyboard after they tuck me in bed for the night. Oh, and running to Starbucks. Definitely that.

Number two: An economy-family-sized-repulsively-titanic copy/printer/fax machine. One like you’d find in the office of an ambulance chaser. One that can print a 400 page novel in sixty-seconds in forty-two different colors. Something in blue.

Number three: An army of translators. Ones that know every idiom and slang term our American minds have come up with and the ability to turn it into a sub-dialect of Swahili if needed.

Number four: An army of voice talent, preferably all well-known actors. I want Brad Pitt and John Goodman to voice Jack and Larry. How much does that run?

Number five: A dominatrix. Preferably a redhead. One with a whip long enough to reach across the room and keep me in my chair should I try to stop writing before I reach my word-count for the day. Maybe she could double as the personal assistant. Heeeeyyyyy….?

Number six: An Aston Martin Venture with the 12 cylinder engine in British Racing Green. Why? Because you all voted last year to give Jack one, which I unselfishly did, and I really can’t write about it well unless I can experience it first-hand.

That’s all. Not too much to ask I don’t think.

Let’s just keep this post between you and me, no reason to tell my wife about it. Okay?

3 thoughts on “Six expensive ways to help your writing.”

  1. Okay, I admit your list seemed a bit far-fetched, but when you were able to combine Personal Assistant and Dominatrix into one staff position, the whole thing fell into place for me. Eminently doable.

  2. Okay, read Closure for free and immediately bought the other two books! Thanks for the great read (s…plural I’m sure), best wishes for your success, good luck with the omnibus printer and the redhead. Your writing, complex plotting, and detailed procedural descriptions remind me of John Sandford. I can’t pay a higher compliment!

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